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Excuse Me… What Did You Just Call Me?

Posted on 30. Sep, 2009 by Cindy Toppin in Lifestyle

By Cindy Toppin

If you’ve ever had the pleasure of experiencing the ballroom scene (myballroomlife.com), then you’d know that there are a LOT of categories besides just ‘butch’ or ‘femme’. Matter of fact, in my experience, the simple roles of ‘butch’ and ‘femme’ are fading the way of the ‘natural’ blonde (have you heard that craziness about natural blondes becoming extinct?). As gay marriage becomes legal in more U.S. states, the LGBT community is slowly making its presence known and expounding on the two labels.

Now gender/sexual identity cover our mannerisms as well as our orientation. The term ‘butch’ can be found in both men and women in the gay community. We also have to include our transgendered and genderqueer who don’t necessarily fall into the ‘male’ or ‘female’ category at all.

I had the pleasure of going to an LGBT mixer about a year ago. As an icebreaker, we were given this list of gender identities that we had to guess the definitions for. The list was two pages long with two columns on each page. There were labels I had never heard of such as ‘natural transvestite’ which I found out later on means (and don’t be afraid to read this two or three times) a woman dressed as a man dressed as a woman. I’ll say it again. A woman dressed as a man dressed as a woman.

Some more common labels are (definitions by wikipedia.com and urbandictionary.com):

Soft butch or Soft Stud a woman who exhibits some stereotypical butch lesbian      traits without fitting the masculine stereotype

Stone Butch a woman who is strongly masculine in character and dress, who tops her partners sexually (and sometimes emotionally), and who does not wish to be touched genitally

Femme Aggress A feminine lesbian who dates other feminine lesbians, but usually has the most control in the relationship

Aggressive Femme  A lesbian who takes over in bed but she appears to be feminine in society and dresses feminine

Lipstick Lesbian A type of lesbian that loves getting her hair and nails done,      shopping, and cute shoes, but still only prefers the company of other feminine women

It almost seems as if we (the gay community) put ourselves in more boxes than the heterosexual community does. It has become important for each of us to find labels to put each other in. It helps differentiate between likes and dislikes and who we are attracted to. Yet even though we love to know how YOU define yourself, when asked the same question, we hate to put our own selves in the same boxes.

Do these labels hurt or help us? Are they freeing us to be ourselves or hindering us from becoming who we truly are and expressing all of our sides?

I find that I have yet to find the role that perfectly fits me, for example. Depending on the person I am interested in, I find that I can hop all over the spectrum and go from ‘femme’ to ‘femme aggress’ to just outright ‘aggressive’. On the other side, I have dated women who had no problem showing me their more ‘dominant’ or ‘masculine’ side, but then became very insecure about letting me see them as the ‘femme’ they occasionally chose to be for work or family functions or just because.

Let it be known, that I appreciate a woman for who she is, whether she’s wearing a tie, stilettos or a combination of both.

The other night, I got to have a little pajama chat with my lovely friend, Dr. Mia, an amazing person with a background in Psychology and African American and Women’s History. She pointed out that it is human nature to differentiate in order to connect and belong. She said that history shows that we feel that we need to separate ourselves by differences so that we can find other people of common ilk to relate to.

In my life, I’ve seen women (and men) struggle to find a place for themselves in the gay community. I’ve met defensive transmen, so used to being judged that they don’t even give you the chance to like them. I’ve met women who went from being ‘lipstick lesbians’ to being post-op transmen (meaning they have had a mastectomy and/or sexual organ modification). I’ve met Gold Star lesbians (women who have never been with a man) who have ended up married to men and birthed several children.

As human beings, it is in our nature to grow and evolve and change perspectives as we learn new things about ourselves. With that in mind, I can’t help but feel that we are oppressing ourselves with these labels. Can you guarantee that who you are today will be who you are tomorrow? Can any term/phrase describe you as well as the word ‘YOU’? Do we need to separate ourselves anymore than we already are?

I’ll let you decide.

Peace and Blessings